all girls go bad after me

i have no idea what happens in a girls mind after i date them.. sometimes i feel like i am christian grey and i turn an innocent girls minds into thirsty... well.. you get it..

i dont think your a slut auburn... i dont think your a whore either crane.. i just remember you promising me you would never turn into a whore after you dated me... i dont know exactly what youve done or who youve kissed.. i reallydont want to know.. though it shouldnt effect me it probably would... im just interested why youve done what you have done since i left.. because you werent that girl when i met you... so what changed...you were in love and i was in love but when i left.. you went crazy..... you went from the most asked about girl in the mission and now the most joked about... everyone saw my dedication and love... they thought it was going both ways... me included... people guessed two days after i got home i would be engaged..  i think that is crazy early, i dont think i could have ever done that haha ... but people wanted to know how the fox and the hound love was going.. what you would email me about or if i have gotten letters from you.. now its just funny to everyone.. the greatest would have been ever...

im not mad, i have gotten past that stage.. i think its kinda funny too... sadly.. but honestly i want to  know why all girls that i date do that... why is it,. im not trying to be rude i want an honest answer.. what can i do differently.. why does it happen..

alot on my mind

idk.. i think a lot. i think a lot about my future.. i think a lot about my past.. i think about how my past has effected my future and the future of others... and the lack thereof..

i have two examples..

the first.. i loved a kid name cam.. he was a punk.. he was a popular kid that was the class clown and classic football jock.. i wanted to make a difference in his life and i always tried to be a good example to him.. i would bring him at 5 am to work out and i got to know him.. he wasnt that kid everyone knew.. he had a good heart.. he was a good kid and i wanted him to be a good kid. i tried and tried to show him a good example and he watched me progress and eventually go on a mission.. i recieved an email from him this week that excited me more than anything!! he decided to go on a mission and got his mission call... and god works in crazy ways and now cam is coming to budapest hungary with me.. my past affected his future..

the second example.. i loved her for a year.. i did everything i could possibly do to show her that i loved her.. when i was with her and when i left on my mission.. well.. she didnt last the time i left the mtc!! hahaha i was so crushed but i still had so much hope and faith and love for her.. but it didnt matter that i wrote her 30 pages a week everyweek.. it didnt matter that i was less than a mile a way in the mtc when she went to the concert and kissed someone.. it didnt matter what i said, thought, did, wrote, prayed for, nothing mattered because she was set on leaving before i left to provo... i just didnt see or think that could happen. it really is self inflicted pain...

the point is.. i tried to make a difference in both lives.. i tried to show them that iloved them both.. i dont know what i did wrong to be honest.. and i dont know what i did right for him either...

im 10500 miles, 180 days, 3.5 billions people away and i am still in love with her. iwsys

Lost In Paris

I purchased my plane ticket before all the seats were taken. I wanted to go to paris so bad. I took a risk and flew to paris. On my first day in paris, i was super pumped to be there. I wanted to capture all of it. The next day we talked about love. I fell in love with love. Paris is where i tasted poetry. I really took note of all that was around me. I even considered becoming a tour guide like nelson. but like every vacation it gets to a point where your home sick a little or want to come home. I hit that point midway through 4th term. But, now that i have 1 class left, i want to go back to when we talked about love. I want another lesson, i want to have to make another video, i want to have everything i use to have. but now i have to leave paris. I have to go back to highland for a little and then start a two year class in Budapest. I am super excited and i loved every minute of paris, it was my favorite vacation i have ever been on. Hopefully i can use the experiences i learned in paris to help me through life. I guess we will see. So from paris to highland, Good bye Paris. I will miss you.

#realtalk

I know people read my blogs and know who i am. With that being said, I want to say something that i am proud to say. I am in love with Hannah Smith. I can't tell you what love is, but I can feel it. Its something I don't know how to explain. When i kiss her i get butterfly's in my stomach, It reminds me of the nervous feeling i get before i play a big game. I don't know why i get them. But, i love it.

You wanna hear real talk? okay, i love going places by myself. I love to take myself out to eat and sit there and think. People look at me like I'm weird, why would someone eat at a nice restaurant by themselves, but it doesn't matter to me. I love to sit and picture scenarios in my head of saving Hannah from someone, making a huge catch in a game, going to a big university, what i would do if i had 1 billion dollars. I picture myself raising my kids, speaking hungarian to an old lady in her house while we are both weeping, a young man that is confused and helping him see that perfect light. I sometimes get myself so wrapped up in my imagination that i will go to bed at 8 and lay in my bed and think about these scenarios and make them with great detail, i would stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning just thinking. Thats my real talk.

I Remember

I remember when I crashed my bike. I remember when walking to school, thinking I was so cool with my new rolling back pack. I remember knocking him out. I remember feeling bad. I remember the first time I saw her. I remember walking out of down the canyon by myself. I remember when we danced for the first time, the Hawaiian dance, and I remember the hug you gave me after. I remember when I couldn’t tell you apart. Now I don’t know how I got you confused. I remember my first varsity touchdown; I remember crying in the end zone. I remember all the work I put in, I remembered all the sleep I sacrificed, I remember my family supporting me when no one else did. I remember my dad believing in me when no one else did. I remember that moment, when I turned around to see everyone cheering. I remembering everything went blurry because of the tears in my eyes so I closed my eyes for a brief second and just listened to all the hope and support. I remember Daniel told me he believed in me and that we needed a big play out of me, he told me that he voted me as captain. I remember the feeling I got and thinking about what he said before I made the big play. I remember not talking to him anymore because he is too cool. I will always remember this season.

Enes Kanter