love

Ye are of god, little children, let us love one another for love is of god, herein is love, not that we loved god but that he loved us. If God so loved us, We are of God, but he that feareth is not made perfect in love, there is no fear in love, perfect loved casteth out all fear. And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us and his love is perfected in us and he that dwelleth in love, dwelleth in god and god in him and this commandment have we from him that we love him. because he loved us first. -Dylan Murdock

Fox and the Hound

idk why it is that every week i think of you, you think of me(period) This week i talked to one of my best friends about you(period) i told our whole story, how we met, what we did, our first kiss, our blanket fort, our videos, your parents, your family problems, your strengths, our hope, your maine, my hungary, our dream(period)

Then, i read him a book called Fox and the Hound(period) not only is this my favorite childhood story and favorite movie growing up, but rather a hope and dream when i reached the age of 19(period) When todd and copper went away from home, they split up, they were playing a game, hide n seek(period) Then it got dark, and the fun turned to fear, the fear of losing each other, the fear of not being able to make it home, the fear of being alone(period) but as copper found scared todd, they were so glad they found eachother(period) though they were in the dark, they were no longer scared because they had each other(period) After finding one another they used big mamas help to find their way home(period)

Translate that how you want to(period)

You wrote that post out of fear, and honestly i might be too(period) but what are we fearing? are we fearing forgivness? a broken heart? love? am i fearing that you hate me? or am i afraid of telling you that there isnt a night that goes by without you running through my head? am i afraid of telling you that i still love you? why should i fear? Why are we blogging about this? why cant i send you an email and tell you exactly how i feel? why cant we chat? why cant we forgive? why am i not over you? why are you not over me? why cant we love?

if it was up to me, we would(period)

and maybe your right, maybe i dont like when things end...........

all girls go bad after me

i have no idea what happens in a girls mind after i date them.. sometimes i feel like i am christian grey and i turn an innocent girls minds into thirsty... well.. you get it..

i dont think your a slut auburn... i dont think your a whore either crane.. i just remember you promising me you would never turn into a whore after you dated me... i dont know exactly what youve done or who youve kissed.. i reallydont want to know.. though it shouldnt effect me it probably would... im just interested why youve done what you have done since i left.. because you werent that girl when i met you... so what changed...you were in love and i was in love but when i left.. you went crazy..... you went from the most asked about girl in the mission and now the most joked about... everyone saw my dedication and love... they thought it was going both ways... me included... people guessed two days after i got home i would be engaged..  i think that is crazy early, i dont think i could have ever done that haha ... but people wanted to know how the fox and the hound love was going.. what you would email me about or if i have gotten letters from you.. now its just funny to everyone.. the greatest would have been ever...

im not mad, i have gotten past that stage.. i think its kinda funny too... sadly.. but honestly i want to  know why all girls that i date do that... why is it,. im not trying to be rude i want an honest answer.. what can i do differently.. why does it happen..

alot on my mind

idk.. i think a lot. i think a lot about my future.. i think a lot about my past.. i think about how my past has effected my future and the future of others... and the lack thereof..

i have two examples..

the first.. i loved a kid name cam.. he was a punk.. he was a popular kid that was the class clown and classic football jock.. i wanted to make a difference in his life and i always tried to be a good example to him.. i would bring him at 5 am to work out and i got to know him.. he wasnt that kid everyone knew.. he had a good heart.. he was a good kid and i wanted him to be a good kid. i tried and tried to show him a good example and he watched me progress and eventually go on a mission.. i recieved an email from him this week that excited me more than anything!! he decided to go on a mission and got his mission call... and god works in crazy ways and now cam is coming to budapest hungary with me.. my past affected his future..

the second example.. i loved her for a year.. i did everything i could possibly do to show her that i loved her.. when i was with her and when i left on my mission.. well.. she didnt last the time i left the mtc!! hahaha i was so crushed but i still had so much hope and faith and love for her.. but it didnt matter that i wrote her 30 pages a week everyweek.. it didnt matter that i was less than a mile a way in the mtc when she went to the concert and kissed someone.. it didnt matter what i said, thought, did, wrote, prayed for, nothing mattered because she was set on leaving before i left to provo... i just didnt see or think that could happen. it really is self inflicted pain...

the point is.. i tried to make a difference in both lives.. i tried to show them that iloved them both.. i dont know what i did wrong to be honest.. and i dont know what i did right for him either...

im 10500 miles, 180 days, 3.5 billions people away and i am still in love with her. iwsys